In yesterday’s past thoughts I felt like a little man trapped in a country were no one understood my true feelings. All I wanted was to get a hair cut to feel good about myself. I asked my ex-wife for $20.00 to pay for the hair cut because I only had a little money to survive in this country that wasn’t my home. But I told her I had no money at all well this was a lie so I could still buy my cigarette and alcohol at night, when I needed to escape her silence towards me. I felt all alone with nobody to talk to in my time of sorrow and miserable existence that was my life. I got caught with money in my wallet because I went anyways to get a hair cut. I tried to say I Paid with a credit card but she said you don’t have one you lair. I felt like a small bug crawling beneath my feet and getting squished like a grape in a vinery. I couldn’t stand it anymore and began to walk towards the mountains in the distance wandering why am I supposed to do with my life, I have nothing to go back to. As I walk for miles and mile, there was a feeling in my mind going around like a swerving memory like I was in a movie or something. I walk at least 20 miles before I looked up and saw a road beside a river that lead up the mountain but not knowing it ended up. To my surprise I thought I saw in the distances a real monkey on the road going to the river well it was but not just one monkey, it was a trib of monkeys at least threety of them just minding there own business. I became afraid that were going to bite me or hurt me real bad. I heard in the distance what sounded like a motorcycle. I was a postman deliving the mail. I stopped him and asked will the try to bite me, he replied no they will be more afraid of you than you think they are. Just walk straight by them without looking at them and they will leave you alone. Well he was right as I walked by and looked back I said to myself why be afraid of what you don’t understand I stop walking and sat down beside the river and watch the family of monkeys just playing in the river with there baby monkeys having so much fun. This went on for 30 minutes or before I wanted to find the end of the road. I end my journey landing up at a place I would call a peaceful solution that I was looking for, It was a Buddhist temple if you can imagine at the base of this beautiful mountain side. I was apprehensive in wanting to knock on the door but my true feeling pushed forward towards the enterance. I was greeted with absolute peaceful thought of this is what I was looking for within my soul. I prayed with him like he was an angel sent to me for all that was good in this world. I had the steagth to go back and face the ex-wife once again. I felt a easy feeling over me at a moment that I needed it the most. I talked it out with the help from her sister. We spent more time talking about what was in the future for our new life in front of us. But by all means our life needed lots of work to be truly happy. We went back to my county with a plan.
In yesterday’s post I was only in a life of loneliness looking through a window that was closing on my soul. My ex-wife was on her last extension on her visitors visa in my country, so the only way for her and my son were able to stay in my world was for us to get remarried again without love in our soul. Of course she didn’t want to buy any means, but our son was attending school and making friends. I started the process of the paperwork to have a fake marriage put into motion and the Imigration paperwork done, for this wasn’t what I was imagining our life to be just a lie for all to see with transparency of moral imperfections of life without love. My life was becoming nothing more than a nightmare growing and management of money for there life in unhappiness forever more. After the fake marriage was continuing there was times where we started to get closer and closer everyday we had to be together. I started feel a small hope of love sparking within our lives, that gave hope and a peaceful feeling in our sons eyes. A lot of her time was spent on her dam computer for hours on end even into the night she was just typing away and not speaking much except for when she need money for her and our son.
The story is unraveling Beneath my feet 4000 miles from home. As the day became shorter to its end, I decided to lie my way out of the toxic relationship that I was in. My next move was to figure out how to tell the perfect lie. So this is what I did, I told my toxic wife that my older son 4000 miles away was in the hospital and I need to be with him because he was calling for me to come. There was some truth to it but only some, then I told her that I was going to prepare myself to move to were I was most uncomfortable 4000 miles away. This was a full out lie to get out of jail card that I used that I thought was a great solution at that time haha to them I said to myself. As I was leaving to get onto the airplane there was a sinking feeling in my gut, wow I am really doing this for relief, what a terrible thing to do why am I such a looser I thought.
What happen before this story began find out in the previous post click here to find out what was so painful in my toxic relationship that I decided to jump ship and swim home.
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Hello Ken Honda
I am writing you tonight with my heart. There are moments in ones life were we feel joy and happiness within ourselves. I would like to thank you so much for the answer you gave me today. I will take all that you said to me with close feelings, to allow my thought to be my own in the future.
Thank You Stefan Neff
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