Why Did Drugs Feed My Pain
With what I thought would be good for my pains wasn’t always good for my soul in the long-term race to the end result that I was looking for. What were the issues that I was craving in my life? Well, the one most important thing I wanted was to be loved, I needed acceptances from my parents so much I could taste it in the drug that consumed me at the age of thirteen years old. The trap had been set in my thoughts and overpowered my brain that was shaping me up to be a needy person, I was always seeking attention from others to fill my cup with love. I was a lonely child when sitting in my room late at night, I remember always turning on the heater when my parents went to sleep. The noise of the Furness soothed my loneliness as if my mother was holding me in her arms. I use to go into the basement and even turn on the clothes dryer to get the warmth and sounds so I never felt alone. I would fall asleep on top of the dryer and even in the middle of the night. I would repeat the same patterns into my teens even when I smoked drugs, the pain wouldn’t go away from my thoughts. I even tried to use warm milk at night but all that did was make me wet my bed. You see I was a bedwetter for most of young life, from the ages of three years old and up to the age of fourteen or so give or take a few years. I was ridiculed as a child for being a bedwetter from my parents most of all the neighbourhood kids in my small elementary school that I attended. I hated the feeling of being teased as a child. I would cry myself to sleep most nights. I noticed when I started to smoke cigarettes at thirteen I was king of my own destiny, I could feel strong as if I couldn’t be hurt. Then when drugs came into my life, the pain was starting to disappear but as soon as the high went away the pain came right back the next morning. I never knew then that I was in the circle of no return but at least I knew the pain would go away for a little while. Yes, that is what I said the drugs worked only for the short term pain just like prescription drugs that doctors prescribe to their patients when they are hiding from there inner pains. I truly believe that pain comes from our past thoughts that we create every day we are here on this planet. When I was a kid I wanted to be heard from my parents, but I was told to mind my own business and just do what you are told. Do your homework do your chores and we can talk about it later. I waited for the talk but the talk never came. What the heck is going on I thought to myself, I did my work so when can I get what I asked for? I never believed that I deserved anything that I asked for in life. I only got what was provided to me. Was this all there was in life a bucket full of promises from the people who had raised me and was supposed to love me unconditionally? Why me I thought, am I that bad am I not worth it be given what I asked for in life. I couldn’t understand the whole scheme of life as I was growing up. I only knew if I could only please them more I could receive more love and appreciation from my parents. Ok enough doom and gloom about my childhood, let’s talk business now!
How to stop the doom and gloom in life? I will tell you that life is very hard when YOU MAKE IT HARD!! Life can be and will be fun when you open up to new possibilities towards what you want not what you don’t want to happen in life. If you want joy and happiness you will receive it when you let go of fears that is holding you back from those most joyful moments in life. There might be roadblocks in your way but those are to make you stronger. If you think they are to stop you from what you want then you will stop moving towards your ultimate goal and that is happiness.
I always thought people were trying to hurt me so they were because I wanted to receive pain in my life. I wanted people to feel sorry for me when I was a small child so people did just that. I got what I asked for in my life for so many years. My plan worked out just as I laid it out. I would wet my bed to receive attention from my parents. I would fail my classes in school to have people feel sorry for me, to look upon me as if there was something wrong with me. I got it right the first time, I did get my pleasure of having my parents see me as a dysfunctional little boy that couldn’t do anything right.
I needed my parents for my pleasure to feel this way for most of my life even up until I was 40 years old. I never understood this until I found a solution to my life.
Chapter 3 will be coming tomorrow evening!!!